My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
