and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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