That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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