Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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