Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
