you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
