I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You took a bar mat shot.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My life is pants optional.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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