I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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