So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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