You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
