I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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