fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
