My friends, they love my intelligence
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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