Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Terrible idea I love it
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
