Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
