before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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