he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
