In the future we'll all be gay
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize