i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
