Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
