Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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