i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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