Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
