and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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