Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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