those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
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