I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
