Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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