Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The air was thick with penises
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I would fuck him just for his dog
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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