It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
