i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
