I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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