i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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