im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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