I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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