Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
