The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
