So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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