Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
