Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize