I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Dear god my vagina.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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