Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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