So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
