I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
When did angry sex become our thing?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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