if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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