Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
