Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
