I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize