Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Randomize
