omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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