last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
