My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
