dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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