Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
