You can't special order awesome
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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