I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
