i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
should my penis look like a turkey
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
